Tricky.

This is the word for navigating the complex situation of marriages that involve a believing woman married to an unbelieving husband. Whilst it can be the other way around, the most common scenario I have seen and experienced where problems arise involves this scenario of an unbelieving husband and a believing wife. In scenarios where the wife was the unbeliever, the believing husband, due to his natural position of leadership in the home, continued to attend church faithfully and stand firmly in his desire to pursue his biblical convictions.

So, what does the bible have to say about these situations? Is a believing wife/husband to submit to her/his unbelieving husband/wife? Let’s say, God forbid, the unbelieving husband or wife constantly fights against his or her spouse’s faithfulness to the body of Christ, her convictions, and her desire to serve God. What is a wife to do in these situations? Let’s look at the biblical text that discusses believing wives and unbelieving husbands.

1 Corinthians 7:12–16 — 12 To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13 If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15 But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. 16 For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

English Standard Version

Notice, that the Apostle Paul clarifies his discussion on this context by saying, “I say, not the Lord.”

The words “I say, not the Lord,” does not imply that Paul’s instructions lack authority, or that he merely offers his opinion (cf. 7:25, 40) since he provides a theological rationale for his directives (7:14). Rather, he is distinguishing his own words from the words of Jesus. Jesus had not spoken on this particular issue as he had spoken on the matter of divorce (7:10–11). 

 Taylor, M. (2014). 1 Corinthians (E. R. Clendenen, Ed.; Vol. 28, pp. 173–174). B&H Publishing Group.

In other words, Paul is transitioning from the context of a prior discussion where he addresses traditions about the sayings of Jesus regarding marriage. Now, moving from this, Paul wishes to extend the conversation of marriage further to include the topic of unbelieving spouses. Thus, the phrase, “I say, not the Lord,” does not imply that the text is to be ignored and that it doesn’t carry authoritative qualities. On the contrary! It is still part of the infallable Word of God and we must pay very careful attention to what Paul wrote concerning the topic.

Help, I am Married to an Unbeliever

If any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13 If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him.

I Cor. 7:12-13

This topic is likely the fourth of a list of questions that Paul has received, which are as follows:

• Married individuals asking about physical intimacy
• The unmarried inquiring about celibacy
• Christian couples asking about separation
• Pastoral advice on how to handle marriage to an unbeliever

One can imagine how, as Christianity began to spread, how perplexing it was for new Christians to navigate households where the counterpart of the marriage was not a believer. One can imagine the anxiety this caused for men or women caught in marriages such as this.

The key controlling principle lies in the recognition of the nature of the anxiety which Paul seeks to allay. The believer asks Paul with genuine concern: if I have left behind the old life and become a new creation in Christ, does not my relation with my unbelieving, unrepentant spouse and my entire home atmosphere threaten to pollute and to corrode my purity as one who belongs to Christ? Paul has argued readily enough that relations with a pagan prostitute tear apart the limbs of Christ (6:12–20). How can someone who has been purchased by Christ to belong to him (6:20), who is the Spirit’s holy shrine (6:19), also “belong” to a spouse who does not “belong” to Christ?

 Thiselton, A. C. (2000). The First Epistle to the Corinthians: a commentary on the Greek text (p. 528). W.B. Eerdmans.

Picking up from the above, one can imagine how the weight of Paul’s words regarding the “one-flesh union” that occurs when joining with a harlot (I Cor. 6:16) nagged at new believers.

“Am I, as a believer, becoming corrupted by my nonbelieving spouse when joining in sexual union?”

Paul immediately clarifies a hard NO regarding this. The sexual union between the two is lawful and holy according to God’s established plan for marriage. The believer does not become corrupted by the unbeliever like a believer would by engaging in sexual activity with the unclean harlot. In God’s eyes, the sexual union is sanctified in the eyes of God and thus appropriate, and it does not pollute the marriage nor the household.

Now, as it relates to separation from an unbelieving spouse, Paul makes this immediately clear.

• If a believing husband has an unbelieving wife, and she agrees to dwell with him, stay with her.
• If a believing wife has an unbelieving husband, and he agrees to dwell with her, stay with him.

Paul believes, and reiterates elsewhere, that marriage is a divine institution and that separation should be avoided except in the most extreme cases. However, I’d like to point out that Paul mentions a sense of agreement in these situations. Is this agreement on the part of the nonbeliever simply an agreement to stay committed to marriage? Contextually, this is different. Instead, Paul is speaking to the consent of the nonbelieving spouse, allowing the believing spouse to continue following their Christian lifestyle and the subsequent convictions held by a biblical worldview. In other words, the marriage, though mixed in religious ideology, is agreeable, peaceable, and supportive.

At the heart of this, there are zero calls for compromise on the believer’s part regarding their biblical obedience and mandate to work out their salvation with fear and trembling. I’d like to make this drastically clear. A husband or wife married to a nonbelieving spouse has many challenges that need wise counsel, prayer, careful planning, and coordination. Still, one thing is for sure: allowing an unbelieving spouse to force you to break biblical commandments and violate your right to attend a loving, truth-driven church is never appropriate.

Herein, the sense of “agreement” comes into play. If any man has an unbelieving wife and she consents to dwell with him, don’t try to dissolve the marriage. Likewise, if any woman has an unbelieving husband and he consents to dwell with her, don’t try to dissolve the marriage. At all costs, keep the marriage together! The believer is admonished to fight for the marriage and make it work! However, Paul is not done, and here, he places the ultimate responsibility on the unbeliever to accept the lifestyle and beliefs of the Christian spouse.

1 Corinthians 7:15 (KJV) — 15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.

While we could spend considerable time on the phrase, “a brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases,” it is essential to stick to the matter of being married to a nonbeliever. It is pretty simple. While doing everything to honor and maintain their marriage, a believing husband or wife must stand firmly for their biblical convictions, pray that their unbelieving spouse respects those biblical convictions and lifestyle, and consent to dwell in that marriage peaceably.

Tragically, if the unbelieving husband or wife decides they cannot consent to live in such a marriage, honoring and respecting their spouse’s Christian decisions, “let them depart” (I Cor. 7:15). As a pastor I have had to watch the unprecedented attacks that have come from spouses who have fought against their husband or wives religious convictions. Jesus truly foresaw the deep ramifications of serving Him when he said:

Matthew 10:34–36 (KJV 1900) — 34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. 35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. 36 And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.

Wow. A “man’s foes shall be they of his own household.” Indeed, many children, husbands, and wives have faced unprecedented attacks from family members and loved ones when deciding to serve Christ wholly. This is why Paul makes it equally clear that one should never “be unequally yoked together with unbelievers.” (II Cor. 6:14). If you are not married yet, you need to make sure that you marry someone who is wholly committed to Christ so you can avoid the problems that plague so many like those Paul addressed in our text dealing with marriage between believers and nonbelievers.

What of Submission?

Regarding submission, we are first and foremost submitted to God and His Holy Word. Anything that seeks to violate our adherence to these things is not allowed. We saw this when the Hebrew boys refused to bow to the king’s golden image. We saw this in Daniel defying the decree not to pray to his God. Nothing and no one will ever demand I forsake my obedience to God’s Word, and I will not go to hell for ANYONE.

That said, Peter addressed the situation of submission in marriage for wives whose husbands did not obey the word.

1 Peter 3:1–2 (KJV) — 1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.

Peter here speaks of voluntary submission that exemplifies Christian conduct and behavior. A wife, even married to an unbeliever, is to demonstrate a biblical pattern of submission within the home. She is to fulfill her duties as a wife and do everything within her power to exemplify the biblical woman of virtue to win her husband through her Godly conduct and behavior, being careful to not push or nag her spouse to change or become a Christian.

Peter engaged in a play on words, saying that those who are disobeying “the word” (logos) may be converted “without words” (lit., “without a word,” aneu logou) by their wives’ behavior. By “without a word” meant wives should refrain from badgering their husbands about their need for conversion. The spoken words of wives had not had an effect, and so they were called upon to live out the gospel before their husbands. The primary influence on husbands will not be the speech of wives but their godly behavior.

 Schreiner, T. R. (2003). 1, 2 Peter, Jude (Vol. 37, p. 150). Broadman & Holman Publishers.

We can also infer from this that the submission of wives is not absolute. If husbands require wives to disobey moral norms or follow another religion, then wives should disobey

 Schreiner, T. R. (2003). 1, 2 Peter, Jude (Vol. 37, p. 152). Broadman & Holman Publishers.

Even if it causes the husband great consternation, she will continue being a faithful part of the church of Jesus Christ. This cannot be up for debate, and every husband or wife who is married to an unbelieving spouse must be willing to face tremendous opposition if their unbelieving spouse is against them. To give in is to compromise one’s relationship with Christ. Albeit, much wisdom is needed to navigate these situations.

Finally, while this is a problematic scenario, it grieves me to no end to watch the challenges husbands and wives face when confronted with unbelieving spouses. To make it clear in modern terms, an unbelieving spouse can claim to believe in Jesus Christ, but when their lifestyle is entirely void of any sense of obedience to the Word of God and the Truth, they are, in fact, unbelievers. You must be strong, do everything you can to bring peace to the marriage, and uphold your peaceable place in the home, but make it clear that you will not compromise your beliefs or convictions.